The way I feel...

...is so hard to explain. I feel in over my head. Incompetent. Self conscious. Inadequate. I feel like what is being asked of me is too hard. I feel like I'm going to be punished soon for not being able to accomplish what I am being asked.

Why would God lead me this way, to have me fall on my face? I have a desire, a strong desire to teach math. I even have a strong desire to do it in the worst of situations. I don't necessarily want to teach at a "nice" high school. There are kids in cities across the country that aren't getting a good education because no one is willing to work with them. These schools have limited funding, so an amazing number of their teachers probably aren't even certified. I want to help those kids. To love on them. To help them learn. After all, I know what it is like to feel failure and to struggle and struggle and not get anywhere. I understand.

So, what I don't understand, is if there is such a need for teachers, why is it so hard to get certified? Or even to get into a teacher education program. I realize there are legal aspects and they want to make sure you're a decent person, but just because I can't get amazing grades in higher math classes doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed a chance. After all, I'm not going to be expected to teach Calc 3 or anything similar to that. I bet high school kids in inner-city schools are struggling to get through algebra in their upperclassmen years because of poor teachers and limited resources.

In my multi-cultural education class yesterday, our teacher brought to our attention a very disturbing fact: the average turnover rate for teachers in inner-city schools is three years. That means that the teachers at the school when the student was a freshman would be gone by the student's senior year. How can even a school with good resources succeed under those conditions?

So, instead of limiting the number of students admitted into teacher education programs, shouldn't we be focused on training more teachers better, so that they can go into the bad situations and make a difference? Shouldn't we, as teachers, be more focused on the welfare and education of students than our pay rate? Kids in inner-city schools are already at a disadvantage because of home life, violence, or social class, and then they can't even get a good education to help get them out of where they are?

Seriously, something needs to change. Schools that are successful need to be left alone to keep doing what they're doing. And schools that are falling below standards shouldn't be punished; they should be given resources and teachers and anything possible that can help. Obviously, a school's goal isn't to be below standards, so punishing them isn't going to change anything.

I have such a passion for this. But I'm facing rejection from the one thing that can help me make a difference. The University of Nebraska-Lincoln limits the number of students admitted into their Teacher Education Program (TEP) to 25 students per endorsement (math, science, foreign language, etc...). This number not only includes undergraduate students, but also those who have a bachelor's degree and are going back to get certified. So it's pretty tough in terms of competition. And for me, the chances look slim. The reason: I love math, but it isn't second nature to me. I struggle in it. I've failed multiple tests. So my math GPA is significantly lower than the average of students that get accepted.

I believe that this will help me to be an awesome teacher. Why? Because I've had to learn the material. I don't just simply "get it." And because I've had to learn it, I know how to explain it. So, because I learn math slower than the average college student in higher mathematics courses, I get bad grades. It's not that I can't learn the material; the classes just move too fast for me.

So, do I feel defeated? Yes. Worthless? Yes; but only when I'm in class or focusing on my TEP application process. When I am tutoring Jessica, a high school senior in calculus, I don't. To see where she started out, to see where she is now, and to know that I've helped her get where she is, I feel like I've made a small difference. And that's gives me a small glimmer of hope.

Do I still feel depressed? Yes - I know where I want to go, but feel like I'm being prevented from getting there.